The recent long night full moon has called me to consider my own longing. The yearning for things to return to normal. For life to, well.. just get going again. And especially my overwhelming dominant desire to know with certainty that I'm returning to the familar, to the reality rightness and that there is an escape hatch from what somtimes feels like a drowning cascade of wonderings pouring down not into IF but onto WHEN!
As humans we are driven by a desire to keep moving forwards, especially in this fast paced, results driven, yes you can have it now society we've created. This desire we imbue our lives with might be of our own making or it may be a demand thrust upon us by an outside source; financial responsibility, our duty to others or often the calls from our own ego self fearing a loss of ground or a need to reassert. Either way, that visceral impetus is ever present. It's galvanised prongs of dissatisfaction cast a shadow over the view we hold and particularly what we see in those rare moments of reflection we take.
So how about just for the bristling thread of a special moment we pressed stop on our perpetual longing. If we pollarded the overgrown branches and silenced the shrill cries of unceasing demand to get going again. Instead of projecting ahead to some time in the near future and creating a monument of this marker as a point to begin again, what if we were to slide in-between the future and now. If we could somehow allow it to be there and suffuse itself into a moment. To let it melt like wax and flow into the darker recesses inside ; those deep spaces where hollow echoes voice our demand for things to be different than they are.
When we project forward into the unknown we focus on the becoming of something we want and not on the uncertainty or unknowing of what will be. Our gaze spirals away from the reality of here and now. This very point we are at and the ones that shimmer at its side are lost outside our blinkered view. Where is the right now? Only a deliberate shift in focus can take us there it seems. A dive into short term amendments that captivate our actions and allow today and tomorrow to be days where less stress and more peace take up space and the rawness of holding so tightly onto hope is loosened. I wonder how much precious time we waste just worrying about the future?
We must have hope of course, it's necessary for our survival. Hope is a human need that brings actions both great and small to create positive changes in the world. Clinging to hope however, projecting it into a place and time is like throwing a rock from a very high cliff and waiting to receive a message from the reverberating promise of its landing. It is as though this might lead us down the unscalable rock face towards the place we feel we should be now, or at least soon.
As I let awareness flow in then, it feels like my starving insight is being fed the meal it needs. I can see some of the ways I habitually stumble into those guess filled drifts. Endless musings about when and what I deem normality to look like, might return. These unnecessary demands I've invited in start to reveal their form. So whilst I fervently believe and trust the time when this virus no longer threatens health or lives, curtails our freedom and keeps us separated is coming; no amount of my personal predicting or craving it sooner rather than later has any bearing upon it's arrival. Scrolling through the calendar app on my phone or unfurling the pages of my 2021 calendar and reading Pema Chodron's wise quotes won't influence it. I can continue efforting into fruitless seeking or I can choose to focus on what I can control - my response to each moment just as it arises and what the view is like inside.
Hope is waiting for us in the dark. She isn't inclined to rush. The more I accept the more I settle into a place that is clear from the clutter and the prod of older brother like needling tension. The anxiety about what might be... and when, has impelled those forward steps to now be placed down with more care.
With more appreciation, insight into my own naturally impatient desires actually strengthens my resolve. I can head towards unwinding demands both from within and without. Responding with care moment to moment maybe I can maintain this less clingy view and tenderly hold it in plain sight and maybe it will allow me access to discover some more about the being that underlies it all and guides me safely towards a brighter shore.